Is it so wrong for me to say that I feel like my daddy’s dead, even though me father is still alive and breathing? Still confused?
Daddy = Piggy back rides, horse-y rides, playing “guitar” on my belly to tickle me, fixing my computer and playing LAN games with me while in the other room. Taking my sister and I out to fish, play racquetball/volleyball, dunking us in the pool when we try to “tackle” him… and there’s so much more that i could list here.
Father = man that sired me, man that gives my mother hell almost every day with degrading and hurtful e-mails/texts/phone calls, man that moved out of the house and wont up and take all his shit in one fell swoop. Man that waltzes into the house and acts like he still lives there (goes into the fridge, futzes with the office computer then leaves whenever he’s done adding tension to the house. He is the man that tore the family APART!!
I still see glimpses, sparks, hints that my daddy that I love, that the little 6 year old inside of me is SCREAMING and CRYING to come back. All i want is for my Daddy to come back permanently. I just want the monster that live in that shell that’s supposed to be my daddy to go away!! I want to be able to look upon my father and be able to hug him and take in his scent and know that its my daddy, and not the bastard that ripped my family apart, not the monster that weakened the strong, amazing woman that my mother is.
This depression really sucks ass because not only does it upset me, it upsets my mum, my sister, and especially Jose. He hates seeing me like this, weak smiles, hidden/suppressed tears, no laughter. I’ve actually hit the depression that the cute things that normally would cheer me up (the cute pokes and tickles and other silly things) only serve to annoy me and grate on my nerves. All i want to do is bury my head in his chest and have his wrap his arms around me and hold me while i shed silent tears, crying for someone that shouldn’t be gone but is; because he’s a FUCKING idiot that wont take his goddamn blinders off and realize that the bitch of a shrink only has a mag light flashlight shoved up her arse instead of the light of god.
*steams over THAT loverly fact*
I just want to have a home that is free of the three feat of tension that is in the house all the time, I dont want to run to my room every night when i get home becuase HE is around and causing the tension to climb again when it shouldnt.
That’s not the ONLY thing that is bringing me down. Jose is flying off to Spain soon to visit his family… FOR A WHOLE FREAKING MONTH!!!
Some may say “Aww c’mon kira… its not THAT long of a time.” BAH…. bugger off.
It’s a DAMN long time when you’re like me. My whole connection to the people that i love deeply is through physical touch, face to face talking, the scent, the feel of the person that I love. I moped when I couldnt see Jose constantly for two weeks, gonna be a fucking BEAR to deal with while he’s gone for a month.
And to top the whole BRILLIANT thing off, he’s going to move back in with his parents, who live in fucking WEST PALM FUCKING BEACH!! When that happens, the only time i get to see him is if/when we schedule a dinner/lunch break, or when he comes down on the weekends and we hang out, or if his mum will let me spend weekends with them again (like that’ll bloody happen).
We’ll be back to where we first started dating, can only see each other on the weekends, and while we’re at school (when i was still IN school, but that’s an entry for a later date). Unless he gets a good job and saves enough money to get his own place again (and with whats going on it’ll be a damn long time until i can move out to be with him), there wont be as much time to see each other (and screw.. god the lack of sex is gunna SUCK – literally- ).
But at least Jose will come back to me, and love me, and stay with me. It will probably be a blink of an eye and my Spaniard will be returned to me, but right now, it feels like we will be seperated for a lifetime.
But my shift is about to end so i must end this entry and go find my rock and be engulfed in his embrace, and maybe find some solace in it.
