The Scribbles Of A Dreamer

Popping My HNT Cherry

akirarose — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:23:11 +0000

So I’m doing something new and following in the footsteps of a lot of different bloggers when posting about HNT, or Half Nekkid Thursday.

At the office, and taking a picture of my legs to tease a playmate of mine, along with a not so flattering photo of my top half, which is clad thank yew very much.

Though there is another one of me that is more naughty.. ehehe…

Hope this satisfies the parameters!

Have a good day all and have a great HNT!

The Deranged Thoughts of A Tired Dreamer (caution: LOSTS of swearing and graphics spam)

akirarose — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 15:32:26 +0000

Is it so wrong for me to say that I feel like my daddy’s dead, even though me father is still alive and breathing? Still confused?

Daddy = Piggy back rides, horse-y rides, playing “guitar” on my belly to tickle me, fixing my computer and playing LAN games with me while in the other room. Taking my sister and I out to fish, play racquetball/volleyball, dunking us in the pool when we try to “tackle” him… and there’s so much more that i could list here.

Father = man that sired me, man that gives my mother hell almost every day with degrading and hurtful e-mails/texts/phone calls, man that moved out of the house and wont up and take all his shit in one fell swoop. Man that waltzes into the house and acts like he still lives there (goes into the fridge, futzes with the office computer then leaves whenever he’s done adding tension to the house. He is the man that tore the family APART!!

I still see glimpses, sparks, hints that my daddy that I love, that the little 6 year old inside of me is SCREAMING and CRYING to come back. All i want is for my Daddy to come back permanently. I just want the monster that live in that shell that’s supposed to be my daddy to go away!! I want to be able to look upon my father and be able to hug him and take in his scent and know that its my daddy, and not the bastard that ripped my family apart, not the monster that weakened the strong, amazing woman that my mother is.

This depression really sucks ass because not only does it upset me, it upsets my mum, my sister, and especially Jose. He hates seeing me like this, weak smiles, hidden/suppressed tears, no laughter. I’ve actually hit the depression that the cute things that normally would cheer me up (the cute pokes and tickles and other silly things) only serve to annoy me and grate on my nerves. All i want to do is bury my head in his chest and have his wrap his arms around me and hold me while i shed silent tears, crying for someone that shouldn’t be gone but is; because he’s a FUCKING idiot that wont take his goddamn blinders off and realize that the bitch of a shrink only has a mag light flashlight shoved up her arse instead of the light of god.

*steams over THAT loverly fact*

I just want to have a home that is free of the three feat of tension that is in the house all the time, I dont want to run to my room every night when i get home becuase HE is around and causing the tension to climb again when it shouldnt.

That’s not the ONLY thing that is bringing me down. Jose is flying off to Spain soon to visit his family… FOR A WHOLE FREAKING MONTH!!!

Some may say “Aww c’mon kira… its not THAT long of a time.” BAH…. bugger off.

It’s a DAMN long time when you’re like me. My whole connection to the people that i love deeply is through physical touch, face to face talking, the scent, the feel of the person that I love. I moped when I couldnt see Jose constantly for two weeks, gonna be a fucking BEAR to deal with while he’s gone for a month.

And to top the whole BRILLIANT thing off, he’s going to move back in with his parents, who live in fucking WEST PALM FUCKING BEACH!! When that happens, the only time i get to see him is if/when we schedule a dinner/lunch break, or when he comes down on the weekends and we hang out, or if his mum will let me spend weekends with them again (like that’ll bloody happen).

We’ll be back to where we first started dating, can only see each other on the weekends, and while we’re at school (when i was still IN school, but that’s an entry for a later date). Unless he gets a good job and saves enough money to get his own place again (and with whats going on it’ll be a damn long time until i can move out to be with him), there wont be as much time to see each other (and screw.. god the lack of sex is gunna SUCK – literally- ).

But at least Jose will come back to me, and love me, and stay with me. It will probably be a blink of an eye and my Spaniard will be returned to me, but right now, it feels like we will be seperated for a lifetime.

But my shift is about to end so i must end this entry and go find my rock and be engulfed in his embrace, and maybe find some solace in it.

Wanting is one thing… Reality is different…

akirarose — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 20:35:05 +0000

As some of my readers may know, my family has been on a long and perilous roller coaster and it has been going on for a long time.

But to be thrown off of that roller coaster without anything to soften the blow hurts far more than one that has been planned and executed. Even then I know that it would hurt, maybe just as much as now, I will never know.

I am lucky in the fact that I have been graced with an amazing young man that will stand by me and be my soft place to land on when I fall down again. He held me tight and let me cry on him after mom told us what had happened, he stayed with us when my father came back to the apartment so that I could tell him that I didn’t hate him, I only wanted my daddy back.

The little girl within me cries for her daddy, wants him to come back and stay. We both are tired of getting our hopes up that Daddy may be back to stay, and then have it thrown back into our faces mere days and/or weeks later.

Even when daddy was back, I tried to protect myself and still try to keep my heart hard and squish the little girl in her toy box so that she couldn’t come out and be hurt by daddy again. But again and again we both were hurt, our hearts breaking into little pieces as we watched/sensed the spark that was our daddy fade farther and farther away. And there is nothing that we can do about it.

There are times even here at work when i fight away tears when a wave of emotion hits me and there is nothing that i can do to keep it at bay, short of hiding my face in my hands and forcing the pain back into the bottle that i stuff the uncontrollable emotions into. I know that it isn’t mentally/emotionally healthy, but it is what i know and how i know to deal with the hurt and the anger, and yes sometimes the rage.

I just hope that someday I will be able to let go of the anger and the pain and open my heart again when my daddy returns. But until that day comes when Daddy comes back and stays home, I will try to keep my heart as guarded as I can, even though i suck at it now as it is.

I have my friends and my family to help me along, I just hope that someday things will turn out for the better.

Last night, after we all had talked and i had snuggled with the ratties for a bit (as well as popped Oreo’s abscess again, boy was that gross), we went to dinner at Bru’s Room. I had had a headache before we left, partially from my hunger as well as from all the crying that I did that day. Had a frozen mudslide, which was a mistake because i hadn’t eaten since breakfast (yeah yeah stupid me i know), so THAT went to my head. Not even after we had received our appetizer, a huge storm rolled in and was still pretty nasty when we finished, and the pressure from that made my headache even worse, as well as making me feel gross and urpy.

Needless to say I went to bed early last night with a heat pack on my head to ease the pain and though i did end up waking up again at 11 pm, i heated up my pack again and went back to bed and back to sleep.

Very thankful that I didn’t dream much last night, and felt rested, or at least rested enough so that I could wake up and go “oh my fracking HEAD!” What sucks about sinus back up is that the meds only last so long before it all comes back again… Bloody hell.

Will post about my weekend later, not really feeling up to it at this point.

Janelle’s Memorial – ?/?/? – 3/28/2009

akirarose — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:42:11 +0000

Janelle’s Story

She was merely a PetSmart rattie, trying to sleep in a tube with two black hooded bubs under an igloo… but she stole my heart when she crawled up onto my shoulder and just sat there trying to burrow into my hair. And with that she was the one i knew i would take home with me. A little over 80 dollars later I was setting up her cage and taking excited pictures and video of the little thing.

She didnt have a name for a week or two before i finally settled on Janelle, but in those weeks she warmed up to me and was already bouncing to the cage to be let out and held.. if only for a moment before she was bounding away on the floor and/or my bed to explore. She always had this funny habit of going out only a certian distance from me and sticking her nose out as FAAR as she could go, with her little back legs streched out and when she had hiffed her fill she would turn tail and come bounding back to the safety of mommy’s knee.

When she developed her first growth i was devistated.. i thought that it was a tumor and that she would have to be put down. but then i found the Rat List and found other resources and knew that she would be okay.

She was touch and go on the second surgery, because of the location and her stubornness to get the silly e-collar off her head. But i think i talked her at least out of trying to stand up and strech, because she didnt for a while untill it healed.

Then I came home on Friday from work and went up tosee her and noticed what i posted about in the health thread. In a panic i tried to call the VCA where Nessa works, but just my luck they had closed not even a half hour before i called. So with that i called my normal vet and scheduled an emergency appointment for her.

Part of me knew that she was close to time, and I told her multiple times through choked tears that she could go, that it was alright, that I understood. Even though it hurt i understood. I stayed up with her until nearly one am, holding her and talking to her, keeping Daiz and a few of my friends updated on her status.

By the time i went to bed i was covered in her porph, drying babyfood and her piddle. But this time i didnt care about the piddle, all i cared about was loving on her for as long as i could. After a quick change of pajamas and setting the alarm on my phone, i went to bed hoping and praying that she would at least try to make it through the night.

I took her to Dr. Engle on saterday at 1 pm, and she checked out her ears and saw that there was nothing there. My heart broke as I knew there was nothing more that i could do for my little old lady. So with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes i handed Janelle to my mom (who had driven me since i was a total wreck) so that I could sign all of the proper paperwork.

I think somehow she knew that it was time, because dispite seeming a tiny bit better this morning, she looked dreadful when we were finally ready to go. Dr. Engle gave me time to say goodbye, to hold her and love on her. I called her my little angel, and told her that we loved her very much, but that mommy didnt want to see her suffer anymore.

When the vet came back she wraped janelle up in a towel and i gave her a final and long kiss goodbye, knowing that i would never see my little love again. I chose to have her cremated, but unfortunatly neither mysdelf or my mother had the money to have the ashes returned to us. But though the ashes are/will be there… her memory and her love and the happiness that she gave me for the past 2 and a half years is the greatest gift that she could have given me.

Rest In Peace My Little Rattie Angel, you deserve it.

Janelle

She came to me as if in a dream,
Her smile gentle yet sad
Her warm aura flowing about her.

“It’s time,” She told me
She held out Her hands,
“She will wait for you.”

My body trembles and my eyes water,
“Please, not now,” I whisper.
“I still need her here.”

She smiles and touches my shoulder.
“She will never leave you,”
We look down at the sweet face.

My little heart rat,
my little love girl,
looks up with such trust.

I begin to cry,
holding her close,
not wanting to let her go.

Weakly she tries to lick
my tears away
but can barely lift her head.

I hold her close,
and whisper my love
into her sweet little ears.

I cover her in kisses,
scritching her nose and cheeks
Stalling as best I can.

She just waits patiently,
a tear rolling down
Her perfect face.

She knows how hard it is,
to take Her creatures
from those that love them most.

“Come my daughter,” She says to me
“She will wait for you at The Bridge.”
She lifts my chin and smiles softly.

With a shuddering sob i look down
for the last time at my perfect “daughter”
And hold her tight and gently.

I hold her up and whisper
“I love you little one”
And give one last long kiss goodbye.

With a shuddering sob i hold her out,
for the Lady to take my little love
into Her arms once more.

With a gentle croon She takes her
and holds her close, softly
singing a wordless melody

Softly a light surrounds her,
and she is restored once more.
Her eyes are bright, her weakness gone.

My little Janelle
is healthy and whole
once more.

I take a step,
reach out one hand
just to touch her one last time.

But She holds out Her hand
and shakes Her head.
No words need to be said.

I look at Janelle,
sitting on Her shoulder
and know that she is happy.

But somewhere in her body
i know that her heart is yearning
to be back with me.

“There is one last thing,”
She says to me
“One thing to ease the pain.”

As the light of Her brilliance surrounds her
a warm beam flows from Her shoulder
to reach deep into my heart and soul.

“Her memory and her spirit”
She said
“Will stay with you for all time.”

“This love you shared
you will never forget,
and will never be forgotten.”

“For when your time has come.
That love will guide you
to her and the Bridge.”

“And when you meet again
she will be waiting.
To Cross the Bridge with you.”

And with that She was gone,
my beautiful daughter with Her.
Though a warm spot still remained on my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mommy with miss you baby,
come back to me someday
And we will walk the Bridge together.

For You And Your Miracle Baby – A Poem For My Dear Friend

akirarose — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 19:40:53 +0000

It Will Never Happen,

The Doctors Said,

A Babe Was Not To Be

For You.

Proving Them Wrong,

Mother Nature Gave Those Docs The Bird,

And Granted You With A Beautiful Miracle.

Within Your Womb,

A Little Seed Was Planted And Grew,

And Now Has Bloomed,

Into A Beautiful Baby Boy.

An Amazing Miracle,

For An Amazing Woman,

A Gift Of Life, So Beautiful, So Pure,

To Someone Who So Deserves It.

I Feel So Blessed

To Be Your Friend,

To Be Granted This Moment,

And To Share In Your Joy